You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
