i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
