Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think your dad took our porno
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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