It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize