I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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