i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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