i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
third nipple confirmed
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
