There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
