Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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