I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
