sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
