Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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