I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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