I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
