I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
