Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
