Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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