I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Text me some of your sweat
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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