So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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