Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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