I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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