I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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