I wanna bring you to show and tell
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
