apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
