All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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