Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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