she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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