fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
