Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
