Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
God, I missed his penis.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
