This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
