And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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