some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
