im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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