2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize