we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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