Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize