Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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