to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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