we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
