Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
