he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
