Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
