My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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