oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
