i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
