Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
