Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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