Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
