You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
