He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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