I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
