Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
