I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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