When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I supernannyed him into submission
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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