the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
