Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
